Category: Ambition of the Heart – Chapters

Sophomore year of high school is a blur at this point. Not much happened, though it was also the year Mom and Dad bought their first house in Brevard, NC. A fixer-upper they bought either for their mid-life crises or just out of boredom, maybe both. Either way, my sister and I quickly found ourselves at the house multiple times a month doing work with/for them. Some pretty basic renovation work like tearing down walls, scraping wallpaper, and putting new hardwood floors and ceilings in the house became the mood of that year. Once the home was relatively presentable, my sister started inviting her friends up. Which is when I became better friends with two guys from my school “W” and “L”. 

A package deal of best friends, they held kind and fun personalities. W was the younger brother of my sisters friend and you would typically find L with him. I’m not sure how they became friends but they stuck together. W was the mature one who typically got nervous whenever we started doing stupid and dangerous things. L was a child in a teenagers body. Always laughing and making fun out of anything he did. L was the fun soul of the two and they paired like Yin and Yang. It wasn’t long after the three of us became friends that W brought me along to his small group in church. Another group of more popular kids, most of which were from different schools. I enjoyed being in that group a lot. I was still heavily active in Young Life and in that small group, called Forge, so the two went together very well when it came to my walk with Christ. 

Around this time is when my friends and I started driving. Summer 2014 was a lonely one and I spent a majority of my time in Brevard working on the house and fishing in the neighborhood. But just before summer vacation started I made a slick move and got S to go out to lunch with me. A nice little family owned restaurant, I paid on a whim and she was pleasantly surprised. I dropped her at home and everything was great til her stepdad answered the door, it scared the shit out of me. It’s funny because nothing was wrong, I was just instinctually afraid of the man. But it was a nice time even though she and I didn’t talk until the end of the summer.

That same summer I had been chosen to be a part of the school districts team to implement iPads into the school workplace. iSchool is what it was called. Training took a few weeks and I made friends with a handful of kids from other schools. One girl and I talked that summer but I never made any moves. I forget her name, though I think she’s married now. Another girl, named Jade, was part of another schools team. She and I became good friends later on. Long story short, the iSchool program was a joke. We all figured out ways to disable the security locks on the iPads within the first few weeks of school. But Junior year bro, that shit was wack…

The start of Junior year was fast. J got campaigners started back up and we hosted at my house. Young Life was back better than ever and was being hosted at the local Golf Course since second semester of Sophomore year. I was also becoming closer with the group of guys in Forge. One in particular, Blake, was someone I got a lot closer to. Me, Blake, W and L became a close group that did most everything together. Blake was the daredevil of the group. He’d ridden his first dirtbike at 2 and had been full-sending it since. He and I vibed well, mainly from the fact he and I could keep up with one another when it came to cars and also because this is when I was regularly experimenting with over the counter drugs. Blake was an on and off stoner and nobody knew about my drug activity, but I think there was some kind of unspoken attitude between us. It was probably because both of us had a little emptiness we were trying to fill but didn’t really know how. Whatever it was, Junior year was quite the time. 

The obvious embarrassing piece at the beginning of Junior year was S. For some reason I’d just forgotten to talk to her over summer, she was rightfully upset about that. So nothing had come out of our impromptu date at the end of Sophomore year. Fortunately, we had the same friends, so we still saw plenty of each other. At the time the TV show “The Walking Dead” was at its prime and W, along with our other friend “C”, wanted to start getting friends together every week to watch new episodes when they dropped. The normal group was W, L, C, “R” and S; I joined a few episodes into the season and Blake would occasionally join us. R was another girl in our grade, the daughter of the varsity baseball coach and heart sparkle of W (they’re married now). She was the nicest and most gentle of the group. 

That first semester I started my Mechatronics class at the Career Center, otherwise known as CTC. Blake took auto-tech there too so he and I would ride together on occasion, even though we went to different schools. This time of my life was one of the happiest and most peaceful I can remember. Where I’d stayed in the Word consistently, had no worries about girls/relationships, and was genuinely happy. This part of my life is where I started to have a true love for creating and maintaining relationships with people. I loved to sit and listen to my friends talk. Wether it was about good things going on in their lives, fun things, bad things or just random thoughts, I was there to listen. I especially loved meeting new people. It became a special kind of talent and with everyone I met, I made it a personal goal to get to know them as well as I could. I consistently kept up with them if possible. I think I became this way because there was this subconscious part of me that wanted so desperately for someone to do the same for me, I wanted what I was giving out to be reciprocated. My life at the time was a steady walk with Christ and was a social testament to what I believed and knew in my heart to be true. I treated others the way I wished to be treated and I hoped I could fill some of the empty spaces in my heart by trying to fill theirs first. This of course was a job I could never accomplish on my own. But at the time, nobody could’ve convinced me otherwise. 

Mine and S’s relationship hadn’t gone anywhere all year. That is until the time for semi-formal came around. Semi-formal was our version of the homecoming dance, it happened right before Christmas break and was a yearly event. And this year I figured I’d ask her to go. Now I admit I didn’t do it in the best way, I asked her in person just after she had lost the school pageant but she met me with a hesitant “yes” anyways. Later that night she made sure to tell me that she only said yes to not embarrass me in front of my friends but would still go anyways. 

For semiformal, we were set to go to dinner with a big group of friends before with an afterparty at L’s house. As far as semiformal goes, it went well. Dinner before was fine and the dance was as you’d expect a high school dance to be… awkward and sweaty. The afterparty was in L’s home theater. About 20 of us in that room which made seating tight. I sat in the seat I normally would at L’s and up outta nowhere S decides to snuggle in next to me in this little ole recliner. We fit just fine. But BOI! Little 16 year old me was having a mental freak out. Because if you didn’t already notice, your boy had been locked in the friend zone since freshman year. We watched Step Brothers and I couldn’t have told you a thing about the movie after. All we did was a little cuddling and hand holding but to me, who’d barely hugged a girl in my life, it was the best thing that could’ve happened. After the movie I drove her and a few other girls to C’s house where they were staying that night. The sky was cloudless with a full moon. I remember the car thermostat reading “19” and boy was it right. But I dropped her and the girls off expecting a good night kiss or something. I got out to help get her things where she thanked me for the night but told me that we were still just friends. So my ass got in the Jeep and floored it back to L’s where the boys were waiting fervently. They were distraught when I returned and heard what happened, I almost fought the twins because one was constantly pestering me and asking about it. We took a solid loss that night. 

Fortunately though, that’s not where mine and S’s story ends. That next week was the start of Christmas break and even though she’d friendzoned me again, I still texted her. I could obviously tell she was uninterested but I was determined. It was just before Christmas and she and I were having a conversation about our futures and goals, dream jobs, vacations and whatnot. And in a space of vulnerability I spilled my heart on those topics and at some point, not sure exactly where, she changed her mind. I think after she saw past the 16 year old idiot, she saw something she liked. Whatever it was, she was adamant in telling me her feelings. So from then we set a date for December 27th. But irony struck and that day, L accidentally ran over his puppy… yes, his puppy. L’s mom called C saying he needed a pick-me-up so C, S and I went and bought a cookie cake for him after scratching our date plans. S had known I’d never kissed anyone and even made a few jokes about it. I knew that it was coming soon but not that night. After taking C back I drove S home. We got to her house and we walked to her door. I argued with myself in my head going back and fourth saying, “Should I? Shouldn’t I? Do it! Don’t do it!” — All of this ran thru my head up until we made it to her door. She started fumbling her keys and that’s when it hit me. I knew from the movies that was the sign. But really! It’s only like 9:30/10PM who the hell is locking the door on their high-school daughter? Of course it was my sign! But I think I took a little too long because she just looked at me after a second and went in for it. It was a firework moment but also the worst kiss ever since I had no idea how that was supposed to work. Nevertheless, it was a moment to remember and brings joy anytime I tell the story. A few days later we had a new years party to go to, I picked her up for it and we’d agreed to not kiss in front of everyone when the ball dropped because it would’ve been weird around our friends. After the ball dropped I was supposed to drive to my church for a lock-in because I’d promised my lifelong best friend, Jack, that I wouldn’t leave him hanging there. Both S and I walked out to the car so she could get her things since the girls were spending the night at that house. I was expecting a chance for a new years kiss but before I knew it she’d grabbed her stuff and gone inside, leaving me hanging. I drove to my church where Jack was waiting at the door. He knew all about the situation with S and I and asked if I got a new years kiss. I told him, “no” and he was surprisingly upset. His reaction prompted me to turn my ass around, get back in the car and floor it back to where she was. I called her to meet me outside and said nothing else til I got there. She met me outside under the streetlight and with no words I grabbed her and gave her that new years kiss. This one was much better than the first. We laughed and said goodnight, I got back in the car and did 110 back to the church where Jack was waiting with a silent and proud high-five. 

This time of my life, the feelings I had and feelings I felt, is one I’ll remember for the rest of my life. I loved the Lord wholeheartedly, my heart was happy and wether or not it was feelings for S or my first encounter with some kind of romantic emotion, I’ll cherish it as long as I can. And I’d give up everything I have today to have feeling like that again.

I imagine you’ve figured out what happens from the chapter title. Honestly, it’s pretty damn descriptive. Over the next few weeks, S and I spent much more time together. At this point, people knew we were a thing. Our first few dates went well, the typical lunch, dinner or movie date with those stop sign make-out sessions made for a wholehearted time together that I really loved. But pretty quickly, those turned into parking lot make-outs where things escalated over and over. That cursed bench seat in the 2005 F-150 made the perfect spot for whatever she and I wanted to do. With everything we did together a little piece of me, along with feelings for her, left. I invited W, R and S up to Brevard for a day, W drove us all back since I’d ridden with Mom and Dad. S and I hung out that same night. We met up at our usual spot in the school parking lot where I drove to the unlit parking spot near Field 5, a little league field near the school. And we had sex in the front seat of the truck. 

Yeah. I lost my virginity in a parking lot in the front seat of my truck. I remember thinking after, “Thats it?” — I was sad that I’d craved sex for so long and finally had it. Physically it was great, but at that point all the emotional pieces I had for S had been lost in the physicality of our relationship. The feelings I had were overshadowed by the pleasure I’d been fighting against for what seemed like my whole life. I figured it was a problem with me though, and a few days later we officially started dating. A few weeks later we had sex again, this time it wasn’t good. I didn’t want it but she did so I went anyways. A few weeks later I went to my grandparents with my family. But just before I left, S had gotten worried because she was late. I didn’t know what that meant so she explained it to me. I spent that whole weekend silent, worrying I’d gotten S pregnant. In constant prayer, knowing good and well I was undeserving of God. With Wayne Kerr’s song ‘This is Not My Home’ on repeat, it was the longest weekend of my life. But finally I got the text saying she was good. I knew long before that point that I didn’t have feeling for her, but once the pregnancy scare was over I was determined to end our relationship. 

In the span of about six weeks, I’d gone from being content with life, happy to love and physically inexperienced — to being angry, unhappy with myself, with the decisions I’d made, and the way I had disrespected S by allowing us to do those things. So when we all went to watch The Walking Dead that week, I told her my feelings and we broke up. 

I told J everything a few days after, he was calm and understanding of my situation, and we made a plan to get back into the word. I knew what I wanted, and that was to feel loved and be loved the way I was before the relationship. I knew I wanted to love others too. But something was different now. I quickly returned to my happy lifestyle but the happiness was missing. 

That semester ended with our TV group not hanging out anymore. Things were fine though, all things considered. That summer, I was set to go to Young Life camp at Carolina Point. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. Jack was coming too, even though he went to a different school. I could write for days about that week. It was amazing, it felt like a month. I met so many people and made friends I still consistently talk to now. That week I entered into a different world where my problems were absent and my mistakes forgiven. And of course I was reminded of Jesus’ love and that I was forgiven regardless, that of which I knew deeply. I’d reached a place with myself and reconciled with mine and S’s relationship. I was afraid to leave, I felt a lot of emotions and in the moment I wrote about it. (Ask me about that writing and ill see if I can find it to show you)

Jack was there for me the whole way, so was J. That week fed into another week at a different camp for mine and Jacks church. That was a good week too. But Jack and I stuck at the hip for that week. All this set up for a summer with memories I’ll always love.

I haven’t taken much time to talk about my family here. I have a good family. Mom and Dad were always able to support my sister and I well. We tried our best to be a normal family, but we all have things separating us from the average household. Mom and Dad always had new hobbies, they both worked from home and did really well for themselves and for my sister and I. When it came to things emotionally, I never felt like my parents were a place I could go with anything. And I still believe to this day that I didn’t have a true emotional relationship with my parents until I got to college due to that lack of emotional connection. Similar case when it came to my sister. A lot of that is my fault though, I never tried to talk to them about anything. There was a lot bottled up and I feared the repercussions if I ever chose to uncap it. 

Mom and Dad got their fixer-upper house in Brevard during my Sophomore year of high school so a majority of the renovation happened during that year and up into the summer after my Junior year. During my Junior year, my parents started leaving me home alone multiple times a week to be in Brevard to work on the house and spend time there. By this point my sister had already gone to college, so in the time I was able to escape being put to work in Brevard on the weekends, I was able to get away with a lot back home. I had much more time that summer than before, though I didn’t want to mess around with girls or drugs, the boys and I always seemed to find a way to get into some mischief. 

We’re going to pick up just after my return from summer camp. I’m down from Brevard by myself and the boys are waiting for me at the tennis court parking lot. It was W, Blake, and L. It was around 7 or 8 when the sun was starting to set in the middle of June, I was coming off this social high from camp that had given me a sense of contentment. There was also a peace in my heart spiritually after I’d reconciled with my relationship with S. I rolled up to the guys hanging in the parking lot, throwing a ball around, trying to figure out what the move was. They were happy to see me back after those few weeks. I even remember W saying something like, “Hank what’d they do to you at that camp?” He could tell that something had changed. They all kinda laughed about how weird it was to see me happy and excited to see people. I had a different tone of voice too, it was legitimate change in me and we were all there for it. That evening was great, the weather was perfect, and there was an amazing sunset. That night was also one of the first nights I remember from us camping out on L’s property. Lighting a campfire in this little area we’d made up as our secret chill spot whenever we had frog gigging nights and were able to get our hands on cheap cigars. Swisher sweets or Black & Mild Wine Wood Tips were the go-to’s and those bro time confessions, desires and jokes were the substance of our fondest memories from that summer and really that year as a whole. I could probably fill a whole other journal with the memories we made camping out there. 

That place was all we needed when any one of us were going through a bad time or just needed to get away. There was something about being away from phones and in a place where we didn’t even need conversation to deal with our problems. Though the guys and I didn’t always talk about some of the things in our lives, I believe there was a mutual understanding that we all had our own battles and those things that made us tick. There was a sense of unspoken acknowledgment that we all knew of each others personal problems, and in whatever situation, we’d always be there when the other needed us. That summer I was also working at an airsoft store in town and it was a regular routine every weekend for me to go to L’s after work. A lot of the time I wouldn’t even go home, even for a few days at a time. I had told Mom and Dad it was all good with me that I was alone while they were in Brevard, but the honest truth is, I really hated being alone in that quiet house. 

The entirety of that summer consisted of working every other day, camping out almost every night and getting into mischief in between. Wether that meant sneaking out on the Southern Oaks golf course at night for frog gigging or reenacting Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift in the school parking lot, we never really got into real trouble, just typical teenage boys having some fun. On the days I wasn’t working and wasn’t at L’s, you’d probably find me with Blake and W. They were neighbors so it was always easy to get together. By the time summer ended, we had all grown closer than any of us really imagined and we were on our way to start Senior year. 

My favorite memory from that summer though and maybe my favorite memory to-date was a time I spent all alone. It was just a random day in the middle of summer just around sunset. I’d driven to the tennis court parking lot because I didn’t want to be home alone. The weather was perfect, I sat on top of the truck with some music playing softly from the inside. There was a slight breeze with just a few clouds in the sky. It was a soft pink sky and with each breath I took, it seemed my worries went with them. A random point of rest in the middle of a nonstop summer that I’ll hold dear for the rest of my life. I remember just chatting with God, thanking him for being in my life and probably for making the sky so beautiful for that nine o’clock sunset. I sat out there for what felt like hours but was only a few minutes, because just before the light left from the sky, the boys rolled up and we set out for another night of shenanigans.

I don’t remember much about the start of my senior year of high school. Even though it’s the year I have the most memories from, there’s a lot that’s blurred from the fact I started back into drugs at the beginning of the school year. Senior year was also the year I’d spend half my day at the Career Center every day. They had also switched up some of the people in my mechatronics class, helping me meet one of my best friends at the time, P. P and I were very similar people when it came to our interests, attitudes and social lives. He went to the same school as Blake and knew him well, so the three of us would typically ride together to CTC. 

Minus my time at school, I was still keeping to my summertime routine of camping, work and hanging with the boys. But since school had started, we weren’t able to hang as much, which led to me having a lot more alone time. Young Life hadn’t started back up yet and J had since graduated college, but was only working 30 minutes away, so he and I still hung out regularly. I knew that I didn’t want to smoke weed based off past experiences, which I won’t write about here for the sake of some (Mom) that might read this. Granted, it would’ve probably been a better option than what I chose instead.

Out grocery shopping for some Red Bull one day, I took a stroll through the supplement aisle and saw a bottle of caffeine pills. Each pill was 200mg of caffeine so I bought the bottle figuring I’d take them when I needed to focus in class, which was often. It started as one a day, then two, then four. Four made me feel this kind of dirty high when I took them all at once so I kept doing that. I didn’t eat a lot either and usually had 1 meal a day because I didn’t feel hungry. The routine turned to 4 pills before school then 4 before going to CTC. And like clockwork it’d all hit me like a wave by the time Mr. Franks, my Mechatronics professor, started class. My vision would pulse with my heartbeat and all the colors I saw would desaturate. If you ask P today about it he could tell you what I looked like. I’d be spaced out and seem kinda drunk but I’d slam the math in class and build the electrical cabinets faster and better than anyone. I probably shouldn’t have been driving like that but I did anyway. It effected my sleep heavily so every night I’d drink about a 1/3 bottle of NyQuil after completely blowing my guts out on the toilet. Then do it all again the next day. It wasn’t really addictive though. It became more of a routine than an addiction and I stopped in the Spring of 2016 that next year. 

My Christian life was separate from the life I lived by myself. I never told anyone about the stuff I did, wether that was the caffeine routine, porn, or the drinking I did when Mom and Dad were gone. I was more worried about tarnishing the reputation of Young Life than I was with my own. I wouldn’t even tell the boys about it, J either. The last note I’ll make about that time is that the effect of the caffeine wore off by the time class was out so I was usually good mentally by the time I was home. However, I did end up losing a lot of weight because of it, which was not good.

It’s weird for me to write all of this part because there are a lot of stories that run together. The fact I led 2 different lives, one with people and one alone, makes for some weird timelines. So from here I won’t mention any more of my alone life because it’s not important to this year. I’ve always loved meeting new people and growing new relationships, so the fact that P and Blake went to a different school was good news to me. I ended up getting to know a big portion of their friends at school, and three girls in particular ended up becoming some of my best friends. First was D, the mom of the group, our culinary Queen and Comedy hub. Great at making me laugh and even better at making foods I’d never heard of, D was one to be reckoned with. Next was A, our sweet Asian child who might first come off as the gentle and soft-spoken one of the group, but don’t be fooled, when the moon was right she would be the craziest (and most fun) to be around. Last was Jade, our president if there was such position in the friend group. She always seemed to know someone wherever we were and was easily the most popular. She wouldn’t tell you though, because whoever she met, she treated them with kindness. Jade was the spontaneous one too and was always down for whatever. It was a group of different social backgrounds and made for a circle of people nobody really expected to see. It was Blake, P, D, A, Jade and Myself; and though I was still hanging with the boys W and L, those six are who I spent a majority of my time with senior year. 

Later in 2015 I wrecked the truck on the way back from CTC. I wasn’t on pills at the time and hadn’t been that whole week. I got hit trying to make a U-turn while, ironically, turning around to help another friend who’d just been rear ended. Truck wasn’t totaled but the guy that hit me ripped both his passenger doors off when he hit me, sliding about a football field length sideways before sliding down a ditch and up a hill. The passenger in his car was ok too, but it took me a few days to calm down because I thought whenever it happened that I’d seriously injured or killed someone. I think this is where my fear of hurting people really came out and maybe even started. I couldn’t care less if I was hurt in that situation, even if it wasn’t my fault, I just couldn’t live with the thought that I could physically or emotionally hurt someone else. When that happened, Mom got me to quit my job so I wouldn’t be driving as much. Mom and Dad were also home a lot more during this semester and I had my friends over pretty frequently. But we have yet to get into the drama of the year…

Earlier in the semester, L had been hanging out with a girl from Blake and P’s school trying get her to go on a date. Her name was B, real pretty girl that was friends with my entire circle. She friendzoned Seth on multiple occasions but nothing was gonna stop my boy, I cheered him on. B had actually tried to set me up with her friend M but I never really pursued anything. However, through that and a few other social things, B and I became closer. So L and B started hanging out with all of us more, we all even took a trip to Brevard one weekend. B and I had been flirty with each other before but there were obvious feelings. The SAT was coming up and B, L and I had made a little study group, though we only met twice. The second time, L had to leave early and left B and I at my house to study. We talked a bit about them and she told me she’d friendzoned him again, though I already knew because L had told me. When she was leaving I walked to her car with her, and against my better judgement, kissed her.

That same night I had two separate phone conversations, one with L and one with B. The conversation with L was him telling me more about how B didn’t want to go out with him and that he didn’t know what to do at that point. I remember specifically telling him to stop trying to impress her by acting different from how he normally did around me and other friends, encouraging him to just be honest with her. Shortly after, I had a conversation with B where she told me she didn’t have feelings for L and instead had feelings for me. I remember almost exactly how the conversation went because I kept screenshots for insurance purposes, which came in handy later on. She told me things like, “I’ve liked you since the beginning,” and “I just want to be with you and around you!” but also things like, “we should keep this a secret right now,” which I agreed with but is also why I took screenshots in the first place. Over a few weeks B and I hung out more, most of the time it was just as friends in groups but we had plenty of one-on-one time together too. It was nothing too crazy, a white lie here or there to get away from Mom and Dad to sneak away for those little high school makeout sessions, wether it was in the car or over a movie. I must confess though that I did end up developing feelings for B. She was always a good listener and a genuinely fun person to be around. I’d entered a mental and emotional state of attachment with her. Not only that, but the other half of me was fighting with the fact I’d been betraying one of my best friends the whole time. A few weeks after this started, B and I talked about stopping or telling people based on how much stress it was bringing us. We both agreed on stopping but it wasn’t long before that took a toll on my mental state. Partly from the sudden halt in that physical relationship that I’d become emotionally reliant on but out of guilt for what I was doing to L and how it indirectly effected our friendship. I expressed all of this to B one night in the practice field parking lot at my school. 

I was planning and ready to confess to L and apologize but the following night I started getting texts from him, he was furious. B had told him instead. I was ready to talk and apologize because he was rightfully angry. But then he starts telling me the skewed things B had told him. Saying that I’d tried to persuade her to friendzone him and that I was the better choice for her and that it was me who had gotten her to do all those things and that she never liked me. Thankfully I still had the screenshots from our past text conversations, and it didn’t take much to prove she was lying. At the same time, B removed me from our group text of Blake, P, L, D, A and Jade to try and tell them the same things. But thankfully Jade kept putting me back in so I could send the screenshots. A had also figured out what was going on between us weeks before and had kept it secret (she a real one fr). So it didn’t take long before both L and B both left/were removed from the group as they started dating the following week. 

Note: I’ve been talking to L recently and he told me about how he and B recently broke up. We’ve since talked and forgiven one another, though I was the one in the wrong.

For some reason, that whole situation was a big personality changer for me. I’d pretty much lost one of my best friends due to a stupid decision that was clearly my mistake and could’ve easily been stopped by me. The emotional toll that relationship and dishonesty took on me was pretty big. It was my first real encounter with depression and would be a nuisance until I got to college almost a year later. 

Nothing changed between Jade, D, A, Blake, P and I. They and their families felt more like family than my own sometimes, a point I’ll talk about later. We did almost everything together and were always welcoming of anyone who wanted to come around. This was no clique or group with specific rules, we all loved each other and in turn loved everyone else. We spent our last semester as that same family. But in a time of my life where I felt more loved than ever, I still felt an emptiness that I tried to fill physically. I kept two consistent friends with benefits relationships as secret while keeping my social status and still being heavily involved in Church and Young Life. And one instance even hooking up with one the day after I’d spoken at our Young Life banquet. 

I was loved more than I’d ever known, made friends with people I’d never expected and had gotten and done almost everything I wanted. But I still had this vacant feeling in my heart with no clue what to do about it. I felt shame when it came to Church and Young Life and rarely admitted any of my feelings. Nor did I talk about anything I’d done or anything that’d happened in my past to the leaders. There was a spiritual hole that I was afraid to confront, I feared it irreparable and didn’t know what to do. In the abundance of so much, I was empty.

I grew up in a small town in the south, I won’t tell you exactly where because I want you to be able to picture it in your own head. Build my scene the way you want.

I have one sister just a few years older, along with mom and dad who provided for us in a regular middle class home in a regular neighborhood. My earliest memories go back to this house, with a big tree in the front yard and a big fenced in back yard.

As a kid, everything seemed alright to me and to this day I still believe it was, nothing really out of the ordinary. My earliest memories are of dad and I playing catch in the back yard. Like any other dad I assume, he wished that I’d become the next great lefty in the MLB. Meanwhile, I was sitting in right field kicking over ant hills, so much for that. Like any kid my age though, I played in most every little league style game there was. Baseball, basketball, soccer, flag-football, tennis (for about five minutes), and even fencing at one point. But I was never much of an athlete. I was a sporadic little kid who was more distracted by my ability to build with legos or making waterslides with a garden hose to care about sports. In the moment I did what was interesting to me and I loved it, as I think anyone would.

From those early times though, early 2000’s to be more specific, there are certain memories that stick out more than others. One for instance was my sister and the random games she’d come up with. Many of which ended in her favor… Weird how they always worked out in her favor. She’s always been an assertive person, a go-getter and will rarely take no as an answer when she wants to do something. Thats why she’s been good at most everything she’s ever done. But don’t get it twisted, I am beyond proud of my sister in what she’s done in her life and how she’s worked to do it.

As far back as I can remember I always seemed to find a way under her wing. Wether it was during my kid days playing made-up games, or in middle school while I wondered what teachers or peers I should or shouldn’t like. Or through high school, wanting to be as popular as her, trying to fit in with the cooler, younger siblings of her friends. I always seemed to find a way, by choice, under her wing.

So from our kid days, she was the loud fun one and I was the quiet and ever so subtly less fun one. And frankly, it worked out pretty well for us. I liked it that way. And looking back, I think that had a lot to do with my imagination as I was growing up.

I’ve always been a dreamer. And I don’t mean that in a sense of ambitions or goals, though that is also true, I mean it in a sense of actual dreams. Wether it was daydreaming or actual dreams at night, whatever it is, I tend to remember those times more than my actual childhood. One of my favorites was the superman dream. It’s kind of self explanatory but in the dream I’d have the powers of Superman and I’d spend the whole dream flying. None of that fighting crime nonsense, just flying. I always loved that. The feeling of waking up after a good dream just wishing I could go back. But that’s what makes a dream, right? I remember consistently getting in trouble in school or with mom and dad because I’d be daydreaming and not paying attention. But being the dreamer boy didn’t come without its downsides. From what I remember, the nightmares were just as frequent. And it’s the nightmares I remember the most.

It’s those nightmares we all have, falling in our sleep or not being able to run from whatever is chasing us, the things we commonly think of when we say, “nightmare.” But I assume that there’s a few of you that have other specific nightmares in mind. The ones that became repetitive, they got names, they got timelines and they stuck with you. I want to tell you some of mine.

For now I’m only going to talk about two of them, for the third one holds a little more value for a later time. And let it be known that I have no timeline as to when I first started having these nightmares. As far as I’m concerned I might as well have been 4 or 5 years old when they started. But anyway, let’s get to it.

The first one is a little on the short side. It always started with me in front of a crowd of people. I never in the dream know who they were but they were always quiet. I’d be standing about chest deep in a skinny pool, about the width of a swimmers lane and not much longer than the checkout at a grocery store. With the people watching and myself elevated almost above them in this small pool, the water would get deeper and deeper until I had to tread on my own. Unable to grab the sides of a wall, as there were none, I’d feel someones hand push the back of my head, putting my face under the water. I’d fight and fight but could never help myself. And at the point of me drowning, the hand would pull me up but I’d still be unable the breathe. This is when I’d wake up.

The second is one that I still fear having today. This being more frequent than the first, scared me the most, and in some cases it would even find its way into my daydreams. There was really no beginning or end to the dream, it’s just there. but it opens with me being small. Much smaller than you’d probably expect, smaller than an ant and each time I’d have the feeling of being totally powerless. Frequently changing locations, the nightmare had be seeing cracks in the floor as caverns, basketballs and baseballs as gargantuan boulder-like structures just waiting to crush me.

The scenarios were always strange to me. They always had someone I knew closely but feared at the same time. Sometimes it was my youth pastor from church, maybe a teacher, a friend and even my dad. But whoever it was they’d always try to crush me. Their feet, large as skyscrapers, had me running for cover in the cracks of the floor and the channels and caverns of the treads in their shoes. I’d always try to run, but then came the fists. Giant fists that hit the ground like asteroids, never effecting the ground around them but always finding a landing place near me.

Eventually I’d be caught, pinned between the fingers, smaller than an ant and only fearing the size of who was before me. Then came the yelling, it shook everything. At some points I feel like I could see the sound itself. But the words were always the same. They were angry at me for being too small and helpless. They knew all my wrongdoing and were there to crush me. I would be unable to speak throughout the nightmare, wether that was to cry for help or to say sorry. And I’d always wake up when I’d be thrown to the ground, looking up helplessly to see a foot coming to crush me.

And then I’d wake up.

Two years ago I sat down and wrote all I could remember about my own life in hopes I could make more sense of who I am and what my personality is. After some thinking, I’ve decided to type up what was written on those notebook pages with the thought that I may decide to let others read it. Throughout these chapters there are details and stories that I haven’t shared outwardly and ask that you not respond in the way you think I’d want you to. Instead I want you to respond honestly. Wether that be with joy, care, anger or reprimand and maybe even with nothing at all. Whichever that may be, thank you for taking your time to read, I love you.

07-07-2020

By the time you read this, Lord knows where I’ll be. Maybe across the country in a studio, working on a project with people I never expected to meet. Maybe near people I love, working a basic job that I’d become content with all due to the fact I’m near people who make me happy. Or maybe I’ll be in the same exact place I’m in now. Lord knows. But nevertheless I do not write this out of my own self-pity or in the reminiscence of memories I wished I’d cherished more or things I should’ve done different. No. Nor do I wish to make myself out to be a victim of any kind, that of which I’m sure I am not.

Truth is, I’m not entirely sure why I’m choosing to write this. I’ve got a lot of things I want to tell people, especially my family, and I’ve got no clue how, this seemed like a good option. On these lines and in these pages I’m going to tell stories about myself. Some might bore you, some may excite you and some may pull you in. Others could make you angry or sad, I have no control over that, I’m just here to try and make sense of myself and search for some kind of emotional freedom.

So reader, I wish to tell you that I am wildly unhappy with my life and hope that in writing, I’d be able to find joy again. And before we begin, thank you for coming along on this journey with me. May we both find a little piece of ourselves along the way.