So Much More to Learn About Your Heart – Part 3

Finishing Proverbs came quicker than expected. Among all the short sayings, chapter 30 sparked note on a feeling, that being, I have no wisdom. There’s much to be said for the mistakes I’ve made in my life as I have no justifications for my poor decisions and feelings that have followed me over the years. I could chalk it up to being a single 20-something but that wouldn’t be right. I am far from being wise. Wether it’s my mind or heart that wants understanding, I’m not sure which at the moment, I feel I’m undeserving of such a gift as wisdom. That feeling of being, “Undeserving” is prominent not only in my desire to gain wisdom but also in this Love, this “Agape” I’ve been given! That of which I’m sure I have.

So we kinda end this writing thru Proverbs the same way we started. Why me? Why am I deserving of this love? I tell you I am not, but it still lives inside me. I am undeserving of wisdom, which has not been made known to me, but desire wisdom though I know I am unworthy. God, please don’t let me waste your love. If there is wisdom for me, cleanse my heart that I may be worthy to know.

Ok, some final thoughts on this whole love dilemma. Last night I started asking friends the question about how they best receive love. Asking for feedback, I’ve received a handful of responses already, I’ll talk about a few of them now.

This is the message I sent them…

Ok so here’s the pitch,

For a few weeks now i’ve felt really burnt out mentally, at first it felt like dissociation but when I started to wonder why, that made no sense. I’ve been blessed with a love that I don’t understand, the kinda belly laughing tear filled joy that I can only imagine comes from God. So might I start off saying, praise God for it. But that being said, I felt drained anyway.

As the digging began into this whole dilemma as to why these feelings were around, I couldn’t help but question wether or not that love was only applicable to me and not to those around me. That didn’t make sense, the thought of the love only being useful to me that is, so I juggled the idea and realized something.

The love I have and want to give hasn’t been very methodical. “Intentional” might be a better word but for the sake of straying from stereotypical Christian verbiage, i’ll just say methodical. When I realized this gift of love had been given, all I wanted was to give it away but I didn’t know how. I wanted it to live through every interaction in my day-to-day relationships, and i’m pretty sure that mindless thinking is what’s got me in this position. I’ve tried giving love to others in ways that might not be receptive to them. So as I tried spending this love on my dear friends, I made the mistake of not taking the time to understand how they love and best receive love.

^There’s a lot more I have to this thought but I just wanted to set up to this question. And please do give me your thoughts, feelings, emotions, concerns, etc. about this because if I am wrong in my thinking I want to know.

The question is “I don’t want love in our relationship to be wasted. I want to love you in ways that are receptive and build you up. What can I do and in what ways do you want to be loved?”

And the question may also be how do YOU tend to love others? I’m just curious of it all bc I feel my perception of HOW to love is so narrow, so i just want to know what y’all think about it.

If you want to respond to that question please feel free to reach out because I genuinely want to know. Also, if you have any criticisms of what I said please voice those too.

Thanks for taking your time to read

The first person I talked to about this was my friend Jay. One of my closer friends since moving to Tampa, the son of the pastor of my church and borderline polar opposite to me (or so we thought).

I gave him my rant late last night about feeling drained and burnt out. We talked a while about it and came to a few points.

1. Am I allowing myself to be poured into?

Short answer to that, no. It’s simple to think though, that pouring out requires being poured into, quite an obvious thought actually. But as the two of us talked, we realized neither of us allow people to pour into us. For me it comes from a sense of fear and deservedness. Fear from past experiences of letting people into my heart for them to only leave it damaged, which caused doubts to arise on wether or not I’m even worthy of love.

Both of us kinda laughed and acknowledged these points, realizing if there was to be change, I would have to actively remind myself of our second point.

2. Don’t project past experiences and trauma onto my present and future.

Simply put, let it go kid. If I’m to allow myself to be loved and poured into in any capacity, I can’t be expecting my past experiences to repeat themselves. Though it’s possible some things may repeat throughout my life, I can’t continue to live in fear, attempting to protect myself from a future that holds uncertainty wether I like it or not. Which brings us to a side note that kinda relates…

2b. Don’t let the things that hurt you in the past, keep you from loving in those same ways again.

That is the biggest thing that has me shutting others’ love out, that being, I so badly desire control over my own life — Aside from Gods hold on my heart of course. But my belief that having walls up would protect me is so wrong, walls can be useful of course, but at what point do I realize that the whole time I was trying to keep others out, building the walls higher, I had been trapping myself inside at the same time. Confining myself to a gray space of repetitive, surface level, menial interactions that I tried to tie this gift of love into. As if I were wrapping the love up in little balls of affection to then throw over my walls, hoping that someone would be on the other side, expecting them to be receptive.

3. Stop looking for answers where I should be looking for God.

Stop looking for how to love certain people when the evidence of Gods grace, creation and love is right in front of me. The beauty of friendships, their stories, their emotions, they’re all so unique! How on earth can I be looking for answers on how to love when the evidence of God surrounds those I’m attempting to love in the first place.

This was the extent of mine and Jay’s conversation before asking one another how we wanted to be loved or best received love. Those answers I will keep private for now.

Shortly after going home I sent the same message from before to a few different group messages, curious of what they’d say. My buddy John was the first to respond, he had quite a lot to say. The short version of our conversation made two points.

  1. Since I feel my perception of love is so narrow, the question I should be asking alongside the other is, “How do YOU love others?” not necessarily, “How would you like me to love you?”
  2. People that truly love us figure out how to love us because we grow understanding for one another. Note that each friendship is different as those loves are different, this may be why loves are perceived so differently.

John also made the point that it’s hard to love so many in such little time. Though it’s noble to have numerous friends, not all of them can receive or be as receptive of love if I’m already stretched too thin. So, start small Hank.

Some other responses I’ve gotten have been about understanding love languages and a handful of people today have recommended the ‘5 love languages’ book, so I may read that at some point.

Amongst the other responses, it seems so far, that perceptions on how to love relationally differ a lot. Some saying to be patient and grow in knowing who you’re trying to love first with others saying to love like yourself anyway. There are some patient outlooks and others not so much.

I do see a common trend of needing to be known to be properly loved. Take it from the author of love Himself. God knows us intimately, which may be one of the reasons his love feels so strong. We have this perception that God knows our innermost being but chooses to love us regardless. It’s an emotionally wrenching, trauma breaking concept that God would choose to love us through all our shit, but we know it deep down to be true. So who’s to say that the first step in really loving someone isn’t to be willing to trust and know them deeply?

Maybe this is where my thoughts have been getting caught up on HOW to love. Considering I still don’t know a majority of these new friends deeply, it’s tough to try and scheme how to love them properly. That lack of intentionality in relationships results in this shallow feeling. That is my fault for not making the effort to truly know them better before trying to spend my love on them.

I’m hopefully going to field some more responses over the coming days so I may come back to this topic but for the time being, those will be my final thoughts.

Being able to talk through this and narrow down some reasons as to why I’ve felt burnt out has brought a lot of peace on the matter. Though it’s led to a few answers, it makes sense that there’s no clear and cut way of how to love and be loved. My biggest takeaways are…

— Search for God in place of answers
— Make a patient effort to know others as you learn to love them.

So how do I receive love?

I want to be known. I feel loved when someone takes the time to know me. Ironic it took me so long to understand this for others when it was how I felt all along. I want to be brought up in honest affirmation AND criticism. Having the opportunity to just sit and talk and process with someone with my walls down is the most valuable thing to me. Maybe we don’t love too differently after all. Who knows? Hopefully I will soon.

Why am I nervous to love though? I don’t think it’s surprising that I’m nervous, it’s just the thoughts in the back of my mind questioning if I’m doing it correctly. But hey, that’s how we ended up here in the first place. Fuck me… here we go.

A Florida Summer

It’s been a few months since my last writing, there’s a few things that I want to process through in this so I’m going to split it up into three parts. 

1. Used To The Heat

2. Wanting Certainty

3. Guilt

Used To The Heat

I’ve spent just over a year in Tampa. This is my first full summer and I figured the heat would be worse than it was. I really think South Carolina was hotter but I may just be acclimated to the year-round heat here. That point felt like a good analogy to explain the first thing I want to process through, that being, I feel acclimated to the feelings I was so enthralled with before.

It’s disappointing really, I’ve written so much about this heart thumping, belly laughing, tear filled joy but have since become used to the feeling. I can’t say that heart and the subsequent community has left, it hasn’t, but I feel different at the thought of it. It’s shown to be a vacant-minded feeling and I get lost in thought pretty frequently wondering if I went wrong somewhere in the last few months, as if I’ve not taken advantage of the gift I’ve been given. I can’t complain though, what love I’ve been given by the Lord is still far beyond anything I was ever able to do on my own, though I am still trying to fill the self inflicted cracks.

I say, “Cracks” as if I wasn’t the cause of those vacancies in the first place. I was and am filled by the Spirit, though my tendencies to wander into curious and sinful situations still precedes my reputation. I damage myself though I’ve been given all I could ever hope for, I’ll own that, I understand that’s a big proponent to why I may feel acclimated and frustrated at the thought of it. What doesn’t make sense is my emotional competency? I’ve spent a pretty big chunk of time working towards understanding my feelings, writing through, and processing why I feel certain ways. That’s easily the second most important thing behind Christ in my life, though those two may share some intricacies in my heart I have yet to understand. 

I feel acclimated to Love, that’s what I’m trying to say. I know I’m acclimated to a certain point, though the causation is what confuses me, and I’m wondering wether or not I’m pouring out too much or am just used to it. I’d like to think that Love isn’t like drugs and that I don’t just get acclimated the more I have it, but when I consider the chemical balance in my head, I can’t look past that. Am I to base my life solely off feelings? I’m not sure I like that idea. I’m still loving on my friends and don’t think I’ve changed how I do that, my desire to love consistently has slowly fallen off and it’s all from a lack of feelings I’ve felt towards love in my life. The uncertainty has made itself known, and though I’m not afraid of that, it raises a lot of confusing thoughts and brings me to the next part.

Wanting Certainty

It’s no doubt that Christ has my heart, I’ve given it fully to him and I believe that Jesus gave his life on the cross for my sins and he has forgiven me of all I’ve ever done, do or will do. That needs to be pointed out before I move further on this section as to not raise questions on my beliefs because I’ll make known a series of doubts I have, not in him but my own life, as to not dishonor the name of Christ in the presence of my inadequacies. 

Sheldon Vanauken in A Severe Mercy writes about his commitment to Christ noting that he has two very distinct choices, those being to either take the leap towards Christ or away. He says on believing in Christ, “If I were to stake my whole life on the risen Christ, I wanted proof – I wanted certainty. I wanted to see him eat a bit of fish. I wanted letters of fire across the sky. I got none of these.” (Vanauken) — I read this back in college and when I first heard it out loud made so much sense in my heart as I held a lot of curiosity towards Christ and who he’d made me to be. The book as a whole took me a few years to read fully and I didn’t finish it until earlier this year when my feelings towards certainty became clearer. 

The certainty became clearer when the belly laughing, tear filled joy came into my life, that was certainty to me. Certainty was all it took for me to become vulnerable and really begin to love those around me in a way I’d never experienced before. However, I still feel acclimated to the feelings I felt and still feel. I don’t know why and once again I’m asking for certainty in that aspect. I want certainty that these feelings won’t be lost and the stagnancy won’t last. I understand there are vacant times of life, along with seasons in which certain feelings come and go, but this time in my life doesn’t seem like it should be one of those because I’ve started dating someone. 

Maybe it’s against my better judgment, that is, to start dating someone in such a vacant time of my life. She asked me out and we hit it off, though the writhing uncertainty has led me to continue a relationship I’m unsure of. The only reason I’ve let it go on is because I believe it’s my fault I don’t have particularly strong feelings towards her. Truthfully, I haven’t felt strong feelings for anyone and I’m afraid to tell her that because I already broke things off with her once when we first started going out a few months ago. I did it because I wasn’t sure of what I felt towards her initially but blamed it on my uncertainty and decided to continue going out to see if my feelings changed, they have slightly, but I think it may just be emotional attachment. Physical attachment too, chasing a dopamine fix because, again, I want to fill the cracks I’ve caused. But then I find myself in a dangerous cycle of trying to fill self inflicted emptiness while causing more damage in the process. I’m afraid to break things off again because I don’t want to hurt her. She likes me and I don’t know why. I don’t think I fully trust her, she spends time with me and cares about me and says all these things she likes about me but I don’t trust her. I can’t trust her because all the things she does and says I don’t believe about myself. I’ve never believed such things about myself and have left it up to Christ to fulfill me in those empty spaces.

I’m unworthy to be loved by Christ and unworthy of his gift, I’ve been given it nonetheless and would be foolish to not take it. He’s forgiven me repeatedly and I’m unafraid to come to him when I know I need forgiveness, God in the flesh whose never ending love abounds in ways I still know very little about. I’m unworthy in every aspect. That being said I still come to him because he knows my heart and he’ll love me no matter what. That’s something I can’t guarantee with this girl. I can’t guarantee that she’ll love me no matter what, I can’t guarantee that she’ll forgive me, I can’t guarantee she can fill those empty spaces. It’s a subconscious feeling that I’ve felt for a while, that I’d find someone to love and that they would fill the cracks I couldn’t fill on my own, I now realize that’s a lie. She doesn’t deserve to be treated as such and I feel guilty for even pointing it out.

Guilt

It’s been almost every time I’ve been around her that I’ve prayed, “God just fill me with love here, please God, please give me something.” I want nothing more than to be filled with a head over heels kinda feeling for her but months have gone by and all I get is a cold breeze through the cracks I’ve created. She’s done nothing to cause any of these feelings, though she has made them evident. I feel guilty and frustrated because I don’t feel the same way. I want to! But I don’t and want so badly to understand why. This one point is the only problem I have with Christ. 

The only problem I have with God is how he can let a believer have romantic feelings for another and those feelings not be requited. Of all the “love” talk that goes on throughout the Bible, you’d think that one aspect would remain untainted, especially when it comes to Christ followers. I do believe a big chunk of my unrequited feelings are my fault. I spent so much time and energy growing up seeking the approval of girls and wasted much of my emotional capacity on relationships that seldom lasted through the morning hours. And it’s that sinful nature I think has caused much of why I feel this way. Who knew that the guilt would carry this far into my life and cause such problems down the line. I was just trying to have fun as a kid and now I find myself between a rock and a hard place, and maybe some therapy. 

I feel guilty. For a lot of things, I do. But this ain’t some trauma dumping guilt trip. Everyone has feelings like this and it doesn’t bother me all too much talking about it. But much like the walls I’ve been trying to tear down, my guilt renders certain feelings unreceptive as I try to block them out in fear of growing these cracks and making known the thought that I may be too emotionally damaged to live life with a loving relationship. I’m used to a lot of these feelings, I’ve become used to the presence of love in my life, I’m certain of love and the life that Christ has given me as I believe in him, I’m certain that I’m forgiven of all I’ve ever done, do or will do. And I’m guilty in my own sin and I’m no stranger to that guilt. 

Christs love is perfect and is capable of bringing us from death to life. But when it comes down to it, I am not perfect, and Christ’s love does not make me perfect. She is not perfect and Christ’s love does not make her perfect, she cannot fill the cracks I’ve brought on myself and I can’t cover them up forever. We, as humans, are not perfect and will never be and I don’t trust I’ll be able to reciprocate feelings to someone that loves me. It’s not that I don’t trust them or doubt how they feel, I don’t trust myself. And that’s where the guilt stems from. 

My life has never been as good as it is now. I just took a dream job, have the best friends I could ever hope for, and the love of Christ still flourishes through my life. I’m still happy, I still love it in Tampa, I love God even though I’m a sinner, and am daily given more than I deserve. It doesn’t matter how acclimated I may be, wether or not I get letters of fire across the sky, and if my guilt precedes certain decisions, I’m going to continue to try and love like it’s my last day. I’ll continue to pour slowly to those who are receptive, I’ll continue to learn love, and I’ll continue to lean into a life I still don’t understand. 

What words could evoke such feelings as love, it seems as if it’s the other way around. What love could evoke such feelings as words, as words can’t describe a feeling I have yet to understand, only the absence thereof.

Some Thoughts on Words

04/26/22

This past weekend I got the pleasure of standing as a groomsman at one of my best friends wedding. It was the first wedding I’ve been in and the groom, Dylan, has been a friend of mine since my Sophomore year of college. He’s a firefighter with a soft heart wrapped in kindness. I could use a lot of words to describe the man he is but the word “compassionate” is the one I feel describes him the best. I know this because he became my friend at a time in my life that was certainly not a time to be desired. I was an unpleasant person with the attitude to back it up, but he still chose to be a part of my life anyway. I admire him because he took the time and effort to be present in our friendship, though it has been more of a brotherhood than anything, while we shared life experiences both through joyful and not so joyful times together. I’m sharing this because I was honored to stand up there with him as he professed his love and committed to life with his wife Karianna. Watching on as tears fell from his face as she walked the aisle, I heard the officiator speak briefly on the first accounts of poetry in the Bible, when Adam saw Eve for the first time, “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh,” he said. And for the last few days I’ve not been able to stop thinking of that.

Words are tough, at least to explain, as I’m using words right now to try and explain the sense of words, a paradox of some sorts that I’ll hopefully be able to use and communicate my feelings with. I’ve written a lot about my feelings and emotions and whatnot, many times finding myself stuck in a corner not knowing how to convey certain emotions, events or situations; ending up frustrated because, it seems, words are the only things I have that could ever help me process and communicate the intricacies of all the questions I have about things like love, fear, relationships, personalities and so on.

Even now, I’m struggling to use words to begin my thoughts on this topic, I have music playing in the background and can hear words paired with harmony to tell stories! It’s complex feelings played joyfully in Fool in the Rain by Led Zeppelin, speaking of worries over his love. Or the comedy of Tyler Childers’ song Purgatory or the distorted and sensual rhythm of Juno by Choker as the lyrics describe a selfish relationship that he can’t seem to come to terms with. We hear emotional freedom in Paramores song, Last Hope as Haley Williams sings in the third verse saying

And the salt in my wounds
Isn’t burning any more than it used to

It’s not that I don’t feel the pain
It’s just I’m not afraid of hurting anymore

What better way to convey ones unexplainable feelings and experiences than through song? I’m no songwriter and wouldn’t even consider myself a writer, but what a gift it is to have something so precious as music. At this point I feel like I’m rambling, and normally only feel like that when I’m having trouble with my thoughts, though I think I may be able to narrow it down to this.

As wonderful as the gift of words and poetry is, there’s still something lacking there as far as life is concerned. By that I mean I could sit and write all day long about my hopes, dreams and desires to try and sound inspirational or desirable but I’d be nothing but a liar if that was my goal. Meaning I wouldn’t be communicating my true feelings but instead be trying impress. It’s the same way in terms of people showing love to one another. I could show affection or attention to others but that in itself is not love. Maybe that’s what I’m trying to get at? I’m still trying to understand love and am hoping that some form of words could help me sorta grasp that, oh boy.

What words could evoke such feelings as love? It seems as if it’s the other way around, love is the thing that evokes words. The language of such is actually funny, described as falling, being struck or smitten, you know the kind of things I’m talking about. All of which, out of context of love, would normally be used in conjunction with pain. So why on earth are words like that used to describe love? I don’t think I can truly say I’ve fallen in love with someone before, there have been plenty of times where I’ve caught feelings for someone and 9 times out of 10 it happened without me even trying. Surely I can say I’ve “fallen” for someone, against my will it has happened a few times. It came with a desire to be wanted by them, to know them and to spend my time with them. My falling inspired daydreams of lying on the couch to watch movies on a week- night, dancing in the kitchen and a weekend trip to visit home with them. Again, all of which happened against my will.

I feel as if I’m getting caught up in trying to understand a feeling that went and hit me upside the head with more emotional concussions than I’d like to admit. Nevertheless, I’m grateful for that. And yes I know I’ve said it before but the desire to love and be loved, know and to be known precedes everything in my life. It conjures curiosity and impatience when I sit and think whilst jumbled words are all I have to ever convey those feelings. Damn me if I ever claim to understand love in all its respects, because then too will I be a liar.

Words build up and tear down, words convey emotion and tell stories, but words cannot make someone love. Words can barely describe love, let alone create it, only life can do that. Compassion and care and time and all those little things in between that require effort cause these little unexplainable feelings that tend to grow us together through shared experiences. But it’s words that have the power to share those feelings, to write songs and stories about this wondrous, gravitating, heart-punching feeling that nobody can truly explain.

What gift of love may be

What words can’t describe

Such feeling as this

My love my God

We deserve none of it

But are struck nonetheless

Car Ride With my Kid Self

05/03/22

There’s some ongoing things that I’ve not been able to stop thinking about over the last few days. A majority of which could be accompanied by silly stories and drunken ramblings but one in particular has come up more than the others. Recently, a friend asked what it would be like if I was stuck on a road-trip with my kid self. It’s a funny thought, the idea that I’d be in the drivers seat with a younger version of myself riding along. I think I’d be, or “he” would be, sitting there with some headphones in trying to mind his business as the time went on, not worrying about what my future may hold. I can’t lie though, I’m more concerned on wether or not I’ve become who my childhood self wanted me to be, or at least hoped.

I imagine I’d be annoyed by my kid self, with questions probably revolving around what kind of Nerf guns there were or if scientists had made a real life lightsaber yet (I’m still hoping for that one) but what would I tell him? Who’s to say I wouldn’t spend hours telling stories about what happens in the years to come, or maybe wait for those prying questions that a middle school Hank would ask once the awkwardness cleared the air. What I’d hope he’d ask would be something about our friends, who’s stays and who doesn’t. Who are they and what are they like? It’d take hours just to tell some of the stories but the present situation would come to the fact that I love them in a way that I doubt my kid self would really understand.

But really, what of love might a middle school Hank know besides a side-hug in the parent pick-up line after school? I doubt very much of what could be told without some things getting lost in translation. He might ask about the crush he had at the time and if it worked out, only for me to maybe laugh and tell him to focus on some different things moving forward, but of course I wouldn’t have listened.

I am drastically different now than I was then, as anyone would be, and we’ve learned a lot as the few years have chugged on. So I wonder if I would even feel safe with myself knowing this is how we’d end up. My thoughts would be simple, questions brief, and desires ever so awkwardly bland. I’d laugh at my kid self but probably tear up in the fact I’d understand who he became without him knowing. I’d want to explain what is to come but there’s no way I could convey my heart with so much emotional capacity still lacking in who he is.

Was it lacking though? Have I grown the capacity to love in different ways or have I just accepted that of which who I am and was made to be? There must be so much that was misconstrued over the years that would make me question wether I’d be comfortable with my kid self. I do believe that if I was with my childhood self, that he would feel safe with me. I would be patient with him and listen and try to love him in a way that he’d understand. Because against the odds, I think I became the person kid Hank wanted. I became not the person we wanted to be but the person we wanted in our life. We wanted someone who was there, who was around no matter what, someone who’d sit through the laughter and the tears, someone who called us to hang out, someone who’s idea of quality time was just sitting around even if it was in silence. I don’t think I’ve become who kid me wanted to be, but instead who he wanted in his life.

I realize as I’m writing that I’m trying to say things that would impress people if they were to read. It’s irritating to say that I can’t exactly explain my thoughts and feelings on what it would be like to meet myself. Truth is, I would be terrified, I’d probably count the minutes as the time rolled on down the road, fearing how the miles slipped away with nothing to say, wondering how I could’ve used our time better. I’d be afraid to go into detail on what our life was really like, the shortsighted pains that I let drag on too long or fears I ran away from, but what kid Hank in the passenger seat might find as joy in the fact that silence was enough. At least to know he had someone willing to take the time to try and explain things he didn’t understand quite yet. Only to tell him all the waiting has been worth it and that there’s no need to worry what his future holds, because in the present, everything ends up ok. And all the fears you thought you had seemingly slipped away as love became subtly evident throughout your life. So as the miles dwindle down to wherever our road-trip leads us, the time spent together would be enough to see that we, so far, have become who we always wanted, but never expected to be.

Heart Change

05-19-2022

I’m sitting in the Louisville airport, flight back to Tampa has been delayed a few times now, so I’ve got some time to sit and process a few feelings I’ve had over the last week or so. You’ve gotten the whole spiel on my life change since moving to Tampa, the gift of a belly laughing, tear-filled, joy-giving love that I have no right to know, though has continued to amaze me since. I do need to be up front though, since deciding to return to a church and the ensuing community, I’ve been hesitant to give my whole heart to the Lord. It’s not like I don’t understand the gift that’s been given, I do, but there’s a little piece of me remaining that’s afraid to give my whole heart back. Does that make sense?

Life has never been so good as it is now. When covid hit, my heart fell apart rather quickly. Not as if there was much to begin with, I was a not-so-good person whose arrogance, anger, and entitlement got in the way of a lot of things, my relationships being at the forefront of that. Living alone for that time forced me to face feelings towards my mental health and addictions that had been long overlooked. The first few months spent drinking myself to sleep and arguing with a God I doubted, turned to less drinking and the written processing of a life I felt I didn’t understand. A hundred and sixty pages later, things made more sense, but the uncertainty and frustration towards God was still there. The move to North Carolina caused me to face my mental health head on. It certainly didn’t fix it, but forced me to see I couldn’t just run from those feelings. Anxiety and Depression have been a prominent point in my life since high school and living in North Carolina was the first step in me really learning to openly process that.

When the move to Tampa came the uncertainty was still there, though less evident, it became known shortly after the move and my mental health hit harder than it had in years. And again, the notion that I could just run away from my fear was uprooted, though now, I had no place to run. It took a few weeks, but my heart was struck in a way I can’t explain here. A slow, music blasting, windows down drive was the substance of a heart change only God could’ve provided. I fell in love with friends that seemed to come out of nowhere and with a church that displayed the love of Christ in a way that made it so clear.

It started in October, my heart change hit hard and fast, a life giving love came into my heart with little to no effort on my end. After years of anger and frustration the love seemed to just fall in my lap and I took every bit I could get. It made no sense, my feelings, I became a different person. I felt like a new Hank and every bit of my heart knew that something had changed. Ever since then, I’ve soaked up the joy and reveled in the fact I’m the recipient of a love whose origin can’t be described. I’m in love with my friends who feel like family, I’m in love with a place that feels like home, and in love with a God who’s gifted me a life I don’t deserve. But I need to tell you, I am still nervous.

I haven’t given God my whole heart. I feel it to be caused by a lot of uncertainty that’s remained from my last few years in college and the subsequent years of covid but I’ve been hesitant to give God my whole heart again. My life with Christ began freshman year of high school, I made a lot of mistakes along the way and searched for life in too many places to count, but at no point did I lose my belief in him. For years I knew he was real, I never doubted that, but wanted so badly to know wether or not there was more out there for me, what could I do for myself to feel better, to feel more, to be happier. Impatience at its finest, right? Those years turned sour when I got to college, leading Young Life and feeling mistreated by a ministry I’d loved and have since forgiven. During those years I did all I could, believing I deserved nothing from God and could do all the hard work myself, wether that be a job, school, ministry, and even love. I tried, I really did and it left me emptier than before. The one I wanted most, I neglected to turn to in those years. I can’t explain why, maybe it was a feeling of guilt, superiority or flat out foolishness, I doubt I’ll ever know.

Though, over the last week or so, I think that last little bit of my heart has started to change. The one little piece I’ve not been ready to give up yet has begun to wiggle away from its restraints, and in the recent days, came loose. I don’t feel all too different, a few heart flutters here and there when I think about it, but I’m ready to give my whole heart back, it’s not mine to keep. I’m not wise and don’t intend to become so, all I know is I’ve not been able to fill myself on my own, and the few times I’ve experienced full life, it’s come at the hands of Christ. I’ve been gifted a life I don’t deserve, everything of which I hope I can give away, and my heart wants nothing more than to be fully surrendered. I’m giving God my full heart. You can call it a public profession, a confession, a cry of praise, whatever you want. I just wanted to tell you, I’ve given Christ my whole heart.

Ridden with mistakes

Guilty in sin

A heart made full

Born again